ambivalence

Does anybody know what time it is? - Chicago
Your “now” is not my “now” - Charles Lamb, 1817
Time is just like another direction in space - Stephen Hawking, 1990
What I’m really interested in is whether God could have made the world in a
different way; that is, whether the necessity of logical simplicity leaves any
freedom at all. - Albert Einstein
We could imagine a world in which causality does not lead to a consistent order of
earlier and later. In such a world the past and the future would not be irrevocably
separated, but could come together in the same present. And we could meet our
former selves of several years ago and talk to them. However, it is an empirical
fact that our world is not this type. Time order reflects the casual order of the
Universe. - Hans Reichenbach, The Rise of Scientific Philosophy, 1951
What then is time? If someone asks me, I know. If I wish to explain it to someone
who asks, I know not. - Aurelius Augustinus, Bishop of Hippo in N. Africa
Neither past nor future can be changed, they could only be discovered.
-Paul Anderson, Past Times
How can the past and future be when the past no longer is and the future is not yet?
As for the present, if it were always the present and never moved on to become the
past, it would not be time but eternity. - Augustine
You are so part of the world that your slightest action contributes to its reality.
Your breath changes the atmosphere. Your encounters with others alter the fabrics
of their lives, and the lives of those who come in contact with them.
- Jane Roberts

On the way out of my apartment grounds this morning, I almost collided with a yellow caterpillar marked by black stripes hanging finely by a thread, causing me to pause in my tracks and rivet my eyes on it for what seems to be seconds too long. What nerve does it have to block and dominate the field path, I thought, revolted. I was appalled by the thought that this mere creature has successfully intimidated me and caused me to waiver, such that i was figuring a way to bypass it without touching it at all (mind you, the track may be narrow but the field is huge), not because I was concerned about ruining its chances on becoming a butterfly, but because I was simply repelled by it.

While taking a little detour around the caterpillar, i muttered “That is so disgusting!” involuntarily, feeling a pang of guilt right after the words escaped from my mouth. Now, what nerve do I have to label the works of nature as disgusting?

Today is one of those rare days where I feel my life has split into two, just like in the film Sliding Doors. In one timeline, I’m on my scheduled flight back to Seattle for my graduation ceremony and getting myself ready for graduate school in Pittsburgh. In this timeline which became tangible as soon as I laid out my decisions, I will be working for a full year in Asia because of a sudden job offer before I make a move for graduate school.

I wonder about different possibilities and outcomes. Indeed I will be gaining valuable working experience that is beneficial for my career development. But by choosing to stay and defer graduate school, I am opening up new doors and causing a wave of ripples that alters a myriad other possible futures, meeting people I would have otherwise not met and experiencing a whole set of unique encounters not possible in the other timeline.

It doesn’t rain but it pours. Lately, failure has been staring at me in the face not just once or twice but a whole endless string of it. It taunts me to cling on while it threatens to release me from its grip. I have coasted through my life and averted failure for as long as I can remember now but it doesn’t get any easier from here. Even though a life that offers no hardship and challenges is not as enriching as one that offers a fair balance of success and failure, I very much hope to be absolutely unfettered by the looming clutches of failure.

I am driven to exasperation and to the extent that I think giving up would free me from days of incessant worries. It’s interestingly germane and timely that I watched Lions for Lambs amid all my troubles, in which Robert Radford’s character seem to be speaking to me, as to many others who are facing similar stressful predicaments — It is better to try and fail, rather than failing to try (although you’d eventually arrive at the same position, but at least you tried). And in an episode of Family Guy, Brian (the talking dog character), was clearly overjoyed upon crossing an academic hurdle although he failed. He claimed that at least “he did it”. So what’s all this? Am I foreshadowing my own outcome? And yet, even when I’m inclined to think that a higher probability of failure than success awaits me at the end of this arduous journey, I’m still tenaciously persisting on, as if betting on the elusive flicker of hope that cheers me on.

Sometimes I wonder if the struggle is worth the effort if failure still holds victory over my hard work. I lamented that it’d be such a waste if I should drop what I earned so far, and I was advised not to view all these as a wasted journey (if failure reigns) but instead to treat my efforts as a contribution to my overall journey in life.

A question reverberates in my ears - What’s the worst that can happen? Life is after all just as a main course with success and failure as side dishes. What’s for dessert?

I’m confined in a state of uncertainty, hence the blog name “Ambivalence”, which is an inevitable outcome from being in an inert state of ambiguity. Doubt is my loyal companion, cruising along with me along the dim highway. Voltaire claims that “doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd”, and how I embrace that piece of his mind. Indeed I’m not alone in my doubtful journey, as I found many quotes on doubt uttered by great figures of the past.

Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites them. -Peter Ustinov (1921-2004)

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things. -Rene Descartes (1596-1650)

I show you doubt, to prove that faith exists.-Robert Browning (1812-1889)

To believe with certainty we must begin with doubting.-Stanislaw Leszczynski (1677-1766)

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. -Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. -Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

I find it wearisome to believe in a faith because of my doubtful nature and insatiable thirst to seek out a truth that is nothing but elusive. Yes, I agree that “the believer is happy; [but] the doubter is wise.” (Hungarian Proverb) But it is in uncertainty I seek refuge in and found assurance in, and it is doubt that drives me forward in life filling me with hope and anticipation.