ambivalence

Just like water, we never cease changing. We are defined by the experiences that fill our once blank slates, which are in turn embodied by our characters and unique personalities. Making sense of the world in countless ways, we learn and unlearn, fall and move on, unavoidably losing parts of ourselves while gaining new fragments along this uphill journey. As we gain in wisdom and years, our simplicity and youth is lost. As we grow in wealth, we lose the time spent on accumulating it. So it has been written–nothing lost, nothing gained–and that’s how it’s going to be until the end.

Each time I walk in the vicinity of my home, I keep my fingers crossed that I wouldn’t be as unfortunate as to step on snails or even catch sight of one. But probability and chances prevail in our daily bouts and sure enough I was greeted by my childhood arch-enemy this morning, leaving a slimy trail as it slugged across the footpath. Overwhelmed by disgust and a tinge of fear, I stopped dead in my tracks, allowing the nauseous spell to pass. For many seconds I stood still, eyes locked with the huge creature whose existence has successfully dictate my mind and reduce me to useless crumbs smaller than it is.

Our propensity to see significance and pattern in coincidence, whether or not there is any real significance there, is part of a general tendency to seek patterns. - Richard Dawkins, Unweaving the Rainbow

I am drawn towards the number 54 and my eyes linger at every instance of this seemingly random and trivial occurrence. Even though the probability is 1 in 100, which translates to quite a high likelihood, I savor and delight in what I perceive to be nature’s constant reminder of unsolved riddles of the universe, where coincidences are just waiting to happen the number of possibilities is infinite. Indeed, I seek comfort in patterns woven into the random tapestry of life, and every instance of 54 seem to indicate that everything will be just fine.

Does anybody know what time it is? - Chicago
Your “now” is not my “now” - Charles Lamb, 1817
Time is just like another direction in space - Stephen Hawking, 1990
What I’m really interested in is whether God could have made the world in a
different way; that is, whether the necessity of logical simplicity leaves any
freedom at all. - Albert Einstein
We could imagine a world in which causality does not lead to a consistent order of
earlier and later. In such a world the past and the future would not be irrevocably
separated, but could come together in the same present. And we could meet our
former selves of several years ago and talk to them. However, it is an empirical
fact that our world is not this type. Time order reflects the casual order of the
Universe. - Hans Reichenbach, The Rise of Scientific Philosophy, 1951
What then is time? If someone asks me, I know. If I wish to explain it to someone
who asks, I know not. - Aurelius Augustinus, Bishop of Hippo in N. Africa
Neither past nor future can be changed, they could only be discovered.
-Paul Anderson, Past Times
How can the past and future be when the past no longer is and the future is not yet?
As for the present, if it were always the present and never moved on to become the
past, it would not be time but eternity. - Augustine
You are so part of the world that your slightest action contributes to its reality.
Your breath changes the atmosphere. Your encounters with others alter the fabrics
of their lives, and the lives of those who come in contact with them.
- Jane Roberts

Today is one of those rare days where I feel my life has split into two, just like in the film Sliding Doors. In one timeline, I’m on my scheduled flight back to Seattle for my graduation ceremony and getting myself ready for graduate school in Pittsburgh. In this timeline which became tangible as soon as I laid out my decisions, I will be working for a full year in Asia because of a sudden job offer before I make a move for graduate school.

I wonder about different possibilities and outcomes. Indeed I will be gaining valuable working experience that is beneficial for my career development. But by choosing to stay and defer graduate school, I am opening up new doors and causing a wave of ripples that alters a myriad other possible futures, meeting people I would have otherwise not met and experiencing a whole set of unique encounters not possible in the other timeline.

People come and go–as much as I dislike the notion of it, the fact revolves around us, be it in the form of life and death, or simply moving around for school and work.
I have encountered some who utter the adage in relationships, as if out of self-defense whenever a relationship breaks away. Or even people in the workplace embarking on new journeys every now and then.

It is a way of life as nature intended. But isn’t it because free will exists and therefore so do choices? Choices to stay or move on, which inevitably cause ripples of changes to others around you.

Many come and go for opportunities with the hope for a positive change in their lives. Others find themselves tugged along by the ebbing tide against their will. As for the matter of life and death, they are what make our ephemeral journeys on Earth so unique and interesting, stirring passion in us as we trek towards our last sunset.

Our universal sense of rights and wrongs are innate on the very fundamental level, but society and upbringing solidify them in our minds as we mature, creating beliefs and assumptions that dictate our lives. On the most elementary level, we share common doctrines such as “taking away another’s life and stealing another’s property” are wrong. For most of us, committing these deeds will weigh heavily on our conscience. However, beyond the boundaries of such indisputable rules lies an array of unique beliefs and conflicting ideas.

I am lost in this vast and stormy ocean of irreconcilable differences, at times struggling to come to terms with what I encounter. In my attempts to accommodate and hold my grounds, I have come to believe that there are no right or wrong methods but courses of action that keep the most number of people involved happy. As much as I dislike the idea of imposing an idea on others, people are most often unyielding, because that is the only way they can obtain what they want in a world governed by individualism. The question is how much value do we see in “others above self” as opposed to “self above others”. Sometimes, adhering to the silver rule alone does not suffice when making certain decisions, since what may appear right to me may instead be unacceptable to you.

We are constantly pursuing happiness, an elusive destination at which we can never really arrive if we don’t know how to appreciate ourselves. Many believe that we either choose to be happy or not, and that we are a sole determinant of our own happiness. A study published by Psychological Science suggested that happiness not only coexist with personality, but that innate personality traits cause happiness. Another study in Social Science & Medicine shows that the happiness follows a curve, in which it trends downwards with age and upwards again among the older age group. And contrary to popular belief, the curve is not affected by income, education, or marital status.

On another note, boosting a poor country’s living condition would really help its people achieve a certain level of happiness. And in richer countries, perhaps happiness can be attained through a more balanced work and home life.

Sometimes perceiving the fine line between right and wrong is simply stemmed from what we believe or what social norms have made us believe. In Moral Minds, Hauser raised an interesting point.

Norms wouldn’t be norms if we could tamper with them, constantly questioning why they exist and why we have to follow them. Their effectiveness lies in their unconscious operation, and their power to create conformity. On the other hand, although social norms often exert an unconscious hand of control, we do sometimes violate them. When we do, or observe someone else in violation, our brains respond with a cascade of emotions, designed both to register the violation and to redress the imbalance caused.

Every culture offers a distinctive palette unique to its own people, including a few which may seem peculiar to others outside that circle. Norms serve as a safety net on which we can fall back and introduce order in an otherwise chaotic world, allowing our interactions to be sufficiently predictable as a result. However, it inevitably causes distress when one faces a situation that challenges these norms. Such circumstances are bound to arise and we find ourselves questioning what is really best for us, proceeding with what we think is right because occasionally the limits of norms may be put to a test.

Not many of us would get enthralled at the thought of immortality, despite how empowering and enticing such a condition would be. We have seen our  fair share of sorrow and happiness, and experienced countless heartbreaking and joyous moments. As much as we desire for world peace, we are delicately aware that the day the human race become peaceful and the wars stop raging in nations is the day we cease to be humans. Knowing the human condition, nothing can make us yearn to be unfettered from the clutches of death.

It is undeniably the very fleeting nature of life that makes life itself bearable, making every event memorable, and eliciting a passion for life in many. Would we bat an eye if eternity were bestowed to us? If we had eternity, would we then feel the need to live life to the fullest as if everyday was the last? Would we feel the need to hold on to a love or life and have aspirations or ambitions? Would we even bother to set targets or goals for ourselves? If we had eternity, we would have forever to think about.