ambivalence

I almost fainted this morning, literally. I should have been forewarned that an empty stomach and a hot shower is a deadly recipe for hypotension. Maybe I’m still jet-lagging, maybe I was missing home food badly, maybe these are just excuses. When I arrived in Seattle a few days ago, I was still caught up in a delusion that I was back home with my family. I woke up on my bed thinking how I hope my alarm clock didn’t wake my sisters up as well, only to realize that I’m all alone in Seattle. I was sleeping in abnormal hours and missing meals these last few days. Before I showered, I was rather surprised to see my weight hit a record low of slightly below 50kg?which never occur for the last5 years.

And trust me, during that bout of almost losing consciousness was a smothering feeling uncalled for, to the extent that I briefly thought that a quick death would free me from that episode of miserable torture. It’s not as simple as faint and be done with it. I was engaged in a mental and physical battle to defend my consciousness.

The only other time I ever came close to fainting was in 2002 during the SARS epidemic. I couldn’t make it out of bed one morning without losing my sight, feeling chilly all over, and losing my balance as a result. I stumbled clumsily back to bed 4-5 times in an hour, each time hoping that my next attempt would let me breeze my way out of the room, an everyday mindless routine much taken granted of. I regained my sight only when I was lying on bed.

Actually I contracted SARS a few months before it was made official to the public but I found out that I had similar symptoms as those diagnosed with SARS later on. My little brother was the first victim in the family, who got it from his friend who returned from HK with what the doctors passed off as hay fever at that time. From what I recall that didn’t seem like any regular fever…he was getting chills, breathing difficulties, and body aches… my parents were by his bedside every night, an unlikely sight if it were a regular fever. My little brother recovered, but passed the baton on to my sister who shares the room with me, and her “fever” temperature was slightly lower than my little brother, and it got only lower by the time it reached me, albeit still >38C. I read that Sars-induced fevers decrease in temperature as it is passed on to another.

I thought I was going to die that morning in 2002. I was finally able to walk after our home helper massaged me, letting my blood flow better, as my mom suggested. A trip to the doctor ended up with daily antibiotics for a week or so, which left a disgusting plastic taste in my mouth. Even the pills smelled bad.

And of course, after my very close shave with unconsciousness this morning, I was again reminded how wonderful it is to be healthy. I escaped fainting once again by stumbling back to bed, fortunately this time round I could walk to get breakfast and reclaim my lost energy. At least I know this isn’t SARS. And for the rest of today, I was overwhelmed with the thought that I was lucky to be alive and well. Funny how a close encounter with unconsciousness (other than sleep) can do that to me. With that said, I’ll be stocking up my fridge tomorrow.

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